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One Door Closes, Another Opens

This week delivered the strangest, odd mix of excitement, nervousness, stress, relief, anticipation, anxiety and many other emotions.

This week we went ‘Live’ on the $2 million dollar project I have been working on for 4 years.

This week is the week I had day surgery to ‘check everything out’ (!) and remove the Mirena so I can get pregnant.

This week is all about the birth of one baby, and the preparation for another.

Is it ironic that the project I have been working on went ‘Live’ exactly 9 months after the first official day of development? Is this some kind of irony the universe wanted me to notice?

The end of this project marks the end of an era for me. In ‘the plan’ this project is the one thing I wanted to complete before starting the transition to my new role as a parent. It was strange to notice that as the week built up to the stress and pressure of getting a software project over the line, on time, I felt an increasing sense of uncertainty building too. Not about the path I have ahead of me, but about what that means for my identity.

I have spent 18 years being a driven, career focussed, ladder climbing, corporate junkie. I set large goals and I achieved them. Every step of the way I have worked to prove myself, get a promotion, make more money, be recognised for the work I do. This project is reasonably large for the company I work for and normally it would give me a thrill to be working on something I could be acknowledged for, recognised as part of the reason for its success.

And yet, that means less and less to me now.

Instead of feeling like I want to take this latest project and tout it to the industry as evidence of my experience, plastering it all over my CV, I feel more like I can now pack up the pieces of my career and stack them in boxes ready to ship off  to a random place, in the hope they find their way to someone who can make use of them.

‘The plan’ was altered for this project. We intended to get pregnant in December last year. But with incentive, and obligation, we added 6 months to the timeline and I committed to doing the best possible job at on this implementaton before preparing for the job at home.

The identity I spent those 18 years building is changing and most days I am excited about becoming who I know I will become as a mother. Other days I struggle with it and can’t reconcile the fact that I worked so hard to be someone, who no longer interests me. I question whether I will be happy without the corporate climb, without the constant strive for advancement. What will define me? Where will I recognise my value?

While I know the answers to these questions intellectually, fully grasping them emotionally is taking a little more effort than I expected.

Becoming a mother isn’t the only career change I will be making on the day I leave my office for the last time but it is the catalyst and from the spring board of newly instated parenthood, I will be exploring other new territories around earning an income. New territory that will allow me to be the mother I want to be, to be the person I want to be.

More about that later but for this moment, the I reflect on the dreams of a 20 year old, that are slowly coming to close as I awake as my 30 year old self and begin constructing a reality of all new possibilities.

 
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Posted by on April 7, 2011 in Emotions, Mummy, Planning

 

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Reality Check

Many years ago, when I first got started in the corporate world, I worked at a company and for a boss that I absolutely LOVED. Those were some of the best days of my working years to date. Towards the end of my time there though, despite a number of changes in my role, I got to the point where I was insanely bored. It was a small company and there wasn’t enough for me to do. I wanted a bigger challenge.

So, I started looking around for a new job. One came up that sounded pretty good and I applied. My application was accepted and after 5 interviews (yes 5!) I was advised that the job was mine.

That was the point that the panic hit.

Up until then I had kind of just been playing with the idea of getting another job. Sure, I had gone as far as applying but nothing was a sure bet and now, I had to quit my job! I actually had to leave the company, and the people I adored! My mind raced with questions. Had done the right thing? How would I tell my boss? What if I hated the new job?

Reality had set in.

It seems to happen this way for me. I come up with ideas, I make plans, I day dream and imagine but I never really fully grasp it until it’s actually happening. Even with holidays, I don’t get excited until I’m actually there, which is kind of crazy because I miss out on all that wonderful anticipation.

I shouldn’t have been surprised then when suddenly the reality hit yesterday that anytime soon, I could get pregnant!

Two days ago I had my Mirena removed, so now we can start trying for a baby. As I lay in bed last night it dawned on me that all of my adult life I have been doing everything to make sure I don’t get pregnant and now, all caution is thrown to the wind. I feel a little vulnerable. I’m in a crazy mixed state of anxiety and awe that the journey has begun and we are really doing this.

I should have my head around it by now, given how long we have been holding this dream in front of us but while I was still protected, all of the plotting and planning, the talking and dreaming was safe and lovely to play with. Now the game has changed. It’s time to front up and show the real stuff.

Don’t get me wrong. I/We want this so much and have waited for this day with increasing anticipation. It just seems so incredible to me. I keep imagining how it’s going to be when my body goes into full on pregnancy mode. What will it be like? How different will I feel? What will I look like? Can my body that I think I know so well, do this? If I get pregnant, I’ll actually have to give birth!

Reality is right up in my face today.

This isn’t a decision I am taking lightly and I guess that’s why I’m wrestling with it all. After so many years of trying to keep control on my life, I know that essentially, by throwing open the gates (so to speak) I am inviting the unknown and that’s not something I am particularly good at. There are no rules around this part of my life and that concept is as odd for me, as the thought that I will be carrying a child inside of me.

Wow!!

 
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Posted by on April 2, 2011 in Pregnancy

 

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Putting In An Order

We started talking to my step son early on about the fact that a baby will be coming into our home. We wanted to prepare him and get him used to the idea that he won’t be an only child for long and will soon need to share us with another little being.

He is so excited about the idea and talks constantly about his sibling-to-be. I think he finds it hard sometimes being on his own with only us to play with, although Dad is a pretty good stand in. He does an excellent job of being playmate, father, disciplinarian, short order cook, taxi driver, cricket-football-rugby coach and teammate 16 hours a day.

During one of our many conversations about the baby we started talking about names. What did step son think we should call the baby? (Yes, we are already thinking about names. I know, don’t say it.)

Every name he gave us was a boys name. Riley, Cooper, James, Ryan and so on. Not a single girls name in the list.

“So what if you get a sister instead of a brother?” I asked.

Step son screwed his face up and then stated “I don’t need a sister, I’ve already got two and they are both annoying”

Step son does in fact have one sister already (his two includes the dog who he counts as his sister – bless!). He has a half sister and while he adores her, they have a typical brother/sister relationship, fraught with drama, fighting and tears. Sisters are annoying.

“I don’t want a sister” step son carries on, “I want a brother. You have to have a boy”

Ok, now the pressure is on!

I really don’t mind what we have, as long as our baby is healthy and happy. And yes, I really mean that. I’m not wishing specifically for one or the other, but apparently someone is.

“Well your Dad is the one that gets to decide” I throw out there, quick as that, deflecting all responsibility. My gorgeous husband looks at me quizzically.

“Dad gets to choose whether we have a boy or a girl. He puts the order in.” Perhaps a simplified 6 year old appropriate explanation of which partner determines the sex of the child will help.

Step son is right on top of it and any manipulation is ripe for this serious situation, “Dad, if you love me, you’ll order a boy.”

Well, I think the request is clear. A boy child please.

Oh dear, I don’t know how we are going to swing this but there is going to be one seriously disappointed 6 year old if we can’t.

 
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Posted by on March 19, 2011 in Baby, Names, Planning, Pregnancy

 

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Already Ours

It’s odd.

You don’t even exist yet.

You are but a desire, a hope, a dream.

All that exists of you so far is excitement and a plan, as I prepare my body to carry you.

And Daddy goes along with my impatient lead up to your conception.

He smiles as I thrill over the thought of you, the reality of you.

2011 is the year we will create you.

Together, in our love for each other.

And already, for me, in my love for you.

Once my mind agreed with my heart that you should be made, I fell in love immediately.

First with the idea, then with the possibility.

And now with the child I know will come.

I can’t wait for the day when I know you here, safe inside of me.

I will keep you protected and nurtured, from that very day, and every day forward.

You are so wanted, so loved already.

You are already ours.

 
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Posted by on March 18, 2011 in Baby, Mummy, Pregnancy

 

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Strange Milestones

Before I get into this post, I know, long before you have to tell me, that I could be building myself up for disappointment.

Now that I have put that out there, let me tell you about the sorts of strange, somewhat silly and pre-emptive milestones that I have been marking.

Since deciding we want to have a baby, I have become obsessed with the planning and the countdown to the moment we get pregnant. If you’ve read my earlier posts you’ll know that the whole build up to us getting pregnant is orchestrated and strategised, for reasons that you’ll learn more about in those posts. And in line with that planning, there are milestones we are reaching that I can’t help but point out. Such is the excitement about when the time is finally here to begin trying for our baby.

We have had the countdown milestones – 1 year until we can try, 1 month until we can try.

We have had the preparation milestones – making the booking to have my Mirena removed and starting the intense saving plan.

And we have the milestones that are silly and best left in ones head, unless that is if you blog or have an EXTREMELY open and frank relationship with your husband – the “this will be my last period for a while (hopefully)” milestone.

Yes, I’m actually now counting down periods, or to be more accurate, the number of periods I ASSUME I have left, also ASSUMING we are both super fertile and able to make babies at the wink of an eye (and the head gesture that says “get upstairs to the bedroom”).

I could be SO wrong and I know that. It’s just SO hard to not be SO excited about something we have talked about for SO long and will soon be able to get on with.

My darling husband just smiles at me, well aware of the odd and random ways my mind can work, and agrees that this could be it for a while. He’s such an agreeable darling and I love him for it.

What he didn’t smile at quite as much was my next milestone – “And did you know that the next time we have sex will be the time before we have sex to MAKE A BABY!”

I don’t think my assumption that we’ll only manage one single rendezvous more before THE EVENT  was quite as endearing.

 
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Posted by on March 13, 2011 in Planning, Pregnancy

 

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Altered Focus

Have you ever bought a new car, possibly a brand or model you’ve never even paid attention to before, and then found that the moment you drive it away, you notice ALL of the cars just like the one you have bought?

In the past you never saw them, hadn’t ever noticed them on the road before. But now you see them everywhere!

Well if you’ve experienced this, you’re not alone. It’s actually a recognised phenomenon where the brain seeks evidence to support it’s own theories, such as the car you bought is the coolest car and loads of people want to own one. The other thing your brain is doing, is simply noticing more of what it is focussing on – namely, the new car you just bought.

I’ve done a fair but of study about this sort of thing so I have known about this behaviour for awhile. What I didn’t know (or think about) was the fact that it would apply to pregnant women too!

I’m not talking about thinking pregnant women would be immune to this behaviour, I’m talking about noticing pregnant women EVERYWHERE!!!!

Ever since we made the decision to get pregnant this year I have seen EVERY pregnant women in my city. No seriously, I have!!! They have ALL walked past me at least once. And they are everywhere. I…..SEE…..PREGNANT……PEOPLE.

Obviously my brain is now so focussed on the idea of getting pregnant that it is looking for evidence everywhere of people who have gone before me. Ok Brain! I get the idea. Enough with the pregnant women.

I have to admit to being just a little bit envious when I see these women (or sometimes girls) and I get all romantic about how great they must feel being pregnant. Yes, I delude myself. It’s ok, I already know this. When I see a big belly walking past me I get even more excited about the journey that is ahead of me. I choose not to think about how uncomfortable Ms Pregnant might be, or how much she is wishing her pregnancy was over with. I’ll worry about that when it’s me and I’m feeling that way. For now, I like my sugar coated, glossy version just fine thank you.

I wonder if I will still notice all the pregnant ladies when I myself am pregnant. Or will my attention move to the resulting babies that have come from all these pregnant women I am seeing lately? I don’t know, but I will let you all know when I do.

 
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Posted by on March 9, 2011 in Pregnancy

 

Getting Prepared

There’s only 4 weeks left until we start trying to get pregnant.

You might be wondering why we have such a set timeline. There’s really only 1 reason and that is my job. I am currently in the middle of a $2 million project that I have been working on for 3 years and I want to see it to the end, after all the hard work I have done. I just wouldn’t feel right leaving part way through, and to be completely honest. The bonus incentive will help us immensely once we have a new little mouth to feed and I’m not working.

So, we revisited our plans to start trying last December on our honeymoon and have planned it out so that I can see the project out and leave work at the end of the year.

That’s assuming it all goes to plan…..

We don’t know how long it’s going to take, or if we can even get pregnant but that’s the timeline at this stage and there isn’t really any pressure as long as I get the project done. If it happens later, so be it.

In the meantime, before we get fully into the fun part of trying I am popping back vitamins, iron and folic acid like an addict! At first I completely snubbed the whole Elevit path after reading various reports on it that suggested it wasn’t worth all the cash. I went to my doctor and even asked her about it and her suggestion was to just get some folic acid into my system. I am pretty healthy with a good diet and regular exercise habits so she didn’t feel I would need much else.

As the month before trying came around though I decided to just insure myself a little more against not having my body most prepared and investigated natural products that would bump up all my vitamin and mineral levels, as well as making sure my iron levels are normal. After a bit of research I found a product that I felt suited me and went and picked some up.

The first night I opened the box and woah! Horse tablets! I wasn’t expecting that but got on with swallowing them back for the greater good. And every night since I slug back the water, washing those monsters down so that I’m all good for baby growing.

As well as the pill popping I have also cut back on sugar even more, have been eating a lot more fruit and vegetables, cut back the coffee and the alcohol and have been exercising more so that my body is in good shape to carry a baby. It strikes me as slightly ironic that I am going to be in the best shape I have been in for the past 5 years, just to fatten it up with a bubba but what better reason?

So the countdown is on and it feels a little odd to be planning this all so strategically but then I guess that will hardly be surprising to my friends and family who know how organised I like to be. It was never going to be an ‘Ops!’ thing for me.

 
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Posted by on March 5, 2011 in Baby, Mummy, Planning, Pregnancy

 

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