This week delivered the strangest, odd mix of excitement, nervousness, stress, relief, anticipation, anxiety and many other emotions.
This week we went ‘Live’ on the $2 million dollar project I have been working on for 4 years.
This week is the week I had day surgery to ‘check everything out’ (!) and remove the Mirena so I can get pregnant.
This week is all about the birth of one baby, and the preparation for another.
Is it ironic that the project I have been working on went ‘Live’ exactly 9 months after the first official day of development? Is this some kind of irony the universe wanted me to notice?
The end of this project marks the end of an era for me. In ‘the plan’ this project is the one thing I wanted to complete before starting the transition to my new role as a parent. It was strange to notice that as the week built up to the stress and pressure of getting a software project over the line, on time, I felt an increasing sense of uncertainty building too. Not about the path I have ahead of me, but about what that means for my identity.
I have spent 18 years being a driven, career focussed, ladder climbing, corporate junkie. I set large goals and I achieved them. Every step of the way I have worked to prove myself, get a promotion, make more money, be recognised for the work I do. This project is reasonably large for the company I work for and normally it would give me a thrill to be working on something I could be acknowledged for, recognised as part of the reason for its success.
And yet, that means less and less to me now.
Instead of feeling like I want to take this latest project and tout it to the industry as evidence of my experience, plastering it all over my CV, I feel more like I can now pack up the pieces of my career and stack them in boxes ready to ship off to a random place, in the hope they find their way to someone who can make use of them.
‘The plan’ was altered for this project. We intended to get pregnant in December last year. But with incentive, and obligation, we added 6 months to the timeline and I committed to doing the best possible job at on this implementaton before preparing for the job at home.
The identity I spent those 18 years building is changing and most days I am excited about becoming who I know I will become as a mother. Other days I struggle with it and can’t reconcile the fact that I worked so hard to be someone, who no longer interests me. I question whether I will be happy without the corporate climb, without the constant strive for advancement. What will define me? Where will I recognise my value?
While I know the answers to these questions intellectually, fully grasping them emotionally is taking a little more effort than I expected.
Becoming a mother isn’t the only career change I will be making on the day I leave my office for the last time but it is the catalyst and from the spring board of newly instated parenthood, I will be exploring other new territories around earning an income. New territory that will allow me to be the mother I want to be, to be the person I want to be.
More about that later but for this moment, the I reflect on the dreams of a 20 year old, that are slowly coming to close as I awake as my 30 year old self and begin constructing a reality of all new possibilities.