Many years ago, when I first got started in the corporate world, I worked at a company and for a boss that I absolutely LOVED. Those were some of the best days of my working years to date. Towards the end of my time there though, despite a number of changes in my role, I got to the point where I was insanely bored. It was a small company and there wasn’t enough for me to do. I wanted a bigger challenge.
So, I started looking around for a new job. One came up that sounded pretty good and I applied. My application was accepted and after 5 interviews (yes 5!) I was advised that the job was mine.
That was the point that the panic hit.
Up until then I had kind of just been playing with the idea of getting another job. Sure, I had gone as far as applying but nothing was a sure bet and now, I had to quit my job! I actually had to leave the company, and the people I adored! My mind raced with questions. Had done the right thing? How would I tell my boss? What if I hated the new job?
Reality had set in.
It seems to happen this way for me. I come up with ideas, I make plans, I day dream and imagine but I never really fully grasp it until it’s actually happening. Even with holidays, I don’t get excited until I’m actually there, which is kind of crazy because I miss out on all that wonderful anticipation.
I shouldn’t have been surprised then when suddenly the reality hit yesterday that anytime soon, I could get pregnant!
Two days ago I had my Mirena removed, so now we can start trying for a baby. As I lay in bed last night it dawned on me that all of my adult life I have been doing everything to make sure I don’t get pregnant and now, all caution is thrown to the wind. I feel a little vulnerable. I’m in a crazy mixed state of anxiety and awe that the journey has begun and we are really doing this.
I should have my head around it by now, given how long we have been holding this dream in front of us but while I was still protected, all of the plotting and planning, the talking and dreaming was safe and lovely to play with. Now the game has changed. It’s time to front up and show the real stuff.
Don’t get me wrong. I/We want this so much and have waited for this day with increasing anticipation. It just seems so incredible to me. I keep imagining how it’s going to be when my body goes into full on pregnancy mode. What will it be like? How different will I feel? What will I look like? Can my body that I think I know so well, do this? If I get pregnant, I’ll actually have to give birth!
Reality is right up in my face today.
This isn’t a decision I am taking lightly and I guess that’s why I’m wrestling with it all. After so many years of trying to keep control on my life, I know that essentially, by throwing open the gates (so to speak) I am inviting the unknown and that’s not something I am particularly good at. There are no rules around this part of my life and that concept is as odd for me, as the thought that I will be carrying a child inside of me.